


Yellow

by cashmerekiwi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fainting, Hurt/Comfort, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Friend, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Significant Other, M/M, Sad Yamaguchi Tadashi, Self-Esteem Issues, anorexic kenma kozume, bulimic tsukishima kei, kuroo and tsukishima as friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:06:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28232889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cashmerekiwi/pseuds/cashmerekiwi
Summary: " you're skin and bones / you know i love you so "where tsukishima kei's eating disorder comes in the way of his relationship with yamaguchi, and it reminds kuroo all too well of what happened in his relationship with kenma.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 61





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> hi! quick note, this fan fiction obviously deals with some heavy stuff. please only read this if you are in the right headspace to, and stay safe :)

For Kuroo’s eighteenth birthday party, he wanted nothing more than a Christmas themed party in mid-November. He wanted ugly sweaters and alcohol, and he wanted a lot of people to be there. He employed the help of Bokuto to get a lot of people invited, which seemed to work quite nicely, as it was now nine pm on a saturday night in November and Kuroo’s house was full of people. There was plenty of alcohol to go around, and tons of food. People all over the house were in Christmas sweaters, taking shots and doing karaoke. Kuroo felt like the main character in a coming of age movie.

But Tsukishima felt like the main character of a shitty-health class short film. He agreed to come to Kuroo’s party, since he didn’t hate him as much as he pretended to. He invited Yamaguchi, so he knew he’d have someone to talk to at all times. He didn’t expect Yamaguchi to actually enjoy the party so much. He was dragging Tsukishima around the crowded house, taking shots from strangers and chatting up Kuroo’s teammates.

Tsukishima couldn’t tell what he hated more. The crowding, the socializing, or the food. There was so much food, and Yamaguchi was so insistent on trying all of it. Tsukishima wasn’t too keen on the idea of leaving Yamaguchi’s side, so he tried it too. But he felt so gross and guilty after every bite. He wasn’t having fun at all. 

An hour into the party, Yamaguchi finally started to settle. He sat with Tsukishima on the living room couch, the two sharing a piece of birthday cake. Tsukishima decided he could get away from the crowd for a second now, telling Yamaguchi that he was going to go look for Kuroo. Yamaguchi just nodded and told him to come back soon, and Tsukishima slipped into the clusters of tipsy high schoolers. 

Tsukishima snuck up the stairs to Kuroo’s upstairs bathroom. It was private and distanced from the party, a perfect place to hide and take care of his stress, and to get rid of the food he ate with Yamaguchi that night. He rounded the corner in the upstairs hall towards the bathroom door, turning the knob and swinging the door open without knocking. He didn’t expect anyone to be up there, since the party had been pretty well contained to the downstairs area, but it quickly became apparent that he was not alone. A small boy was hunched over the toilet, and the room smelled of puke. Tsukishima recognized him from his hair, long and bleached with the roots far too grown in. He knew he was one of the boys on Nekoma’s volleyball team. He’d played against him before, but he didn’t know him well. Tsukishima realized a few moments too late that he was staring at him.

“Looks like somebody doesn’t know how to handle their alcohol.” All Tsukishima knew how to do in a situation like this was make a snarky comment.

“I don’t drink.” The boy with two toned hair replied coldly, wiping the vomit residue on the corner of his mouth with the sleeve of his sweater. He started to stand up, legs shaking, and as he stood his vision became splattered with black dots. His head felt like a weight against a weightless body, the dizziness completely taking over him, causing him to start to fall. Despite himself, Tsukishima lunged forward and grabbed onto his arms to help him stabilize himself. He held onto the fabric of Tsukishima’s sweater for a second before he felt fine enough to stand on his own and pushed Tsukishima’s arms away. The pair exchanged an awkward glace, the smaller boy quickly snapping his eyes down to the floor. He flushed the toilet and walked over to the sink, grabbing a cup off the counter and filling it with sink water. 

“What’re you doing up here? Party’s downstairs, you’re supposed to use the bathroom downstairs”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Tsukishima coldly replied as the boy with two-toned hair took a swig of water from the cup and swished it around in his mouth. He spit the water out and began filling the cup again.

“I’m the birthday boy’s boyfriend, I can use the restroom up here if I’d like.” He took a sip from the water again, repeating the process of washing the foul flavor of vomit out of his mouth.

“You’re Kenma, then.” Tsukishima replied. He’s hung out with Kuroo and Bokuto enough to hear Kuroo gush about Kenma a fair share of times. He knew he was on their volleyball team, he just wasn’t sure which one he was. It makes sense though, that his boyfriend is Kenma. They were always at each other's sides, Kuroo doing his best to make Kenma feel comfortable when they were in social situations. 

Kenma spit the water out in the sink again, tucking the cup back into the cabinet where it belonged. “Yeah. And you?”

“Tsukishima.” He replied as the two blankly stared at each other.

“Right. Kuroo’s talked about you before.”

“He talks about me?”

“He talks about everyone and everything all the time, don’t flatter yourself.” Tsukishima rolled his eyes at Kenma’s remark. Though the two were a bit standoffish, Tsukishima felt like he sort of understood Kenma. He could see right through him without trying. Maybe Kuroo had a type when it came to choosing friends.

“If you don’t drink, why were you puking?” Tsukishima looked down at Kenma, making complete eye contact. As soon as the question was asked, Kenma broke eye contact. He uncomfortably shifted his head to look at his pale face in the mirror.

“Dunno. Must’ve been something I ate.” Kenma answered, still looking at himself in the mirror. 

“You look like you-” Tsukishima started, but was interrupted by a booming voice at the top of the stairs.

“KENMAAAA! Are you up there?” It was Kuroo’s voice. 

“Oh, yeah, I am.” Kenma was much quieter, hardly audible above the music from downstairs. He peeked his head out from the door frame to see Kuroo.

“Are you okay? Are you too anxious? You can stay up here if you need to, but I was going to invite you down to watch Bokuto and Konoha do karaoke to “All I Want For Christmas Is You”.” 

“Oh, I’m fine. I’ll come.” Kenma stepped out of the bathroom, sending one last glance towards Tsukishima before walking over to Kuroo and taking his hand in his own.

Tsukishima sighed, finally alone in the bathroom, but a bit shaken from what he walked in on. Kenma said he was throwing up because something he ate made him sick, but all Tsukishima could see in the toilet when he was helping hold him up was straight bile. Tsukishima sighed, opening the cabinets above the sink to find a toothbrush.

After Tsukishima was finished, he casually walked back downstairs and rejoined the party. Yamaguchi was still waiting for him on the living room couch, and he gladly took his seat next to him again. Yamaguchi handed him a cup full of god-knows-what, and Tsukishima reluctantly accepted it. They watched Bokuto and Konoha do a shitty cover of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” from the living room. Yamaguchi thought it was really entertaining, but it didn’t hold Tsukishima’s focus. Not much really held his focus that night. He’d like to blame that fact on the drinking, but it had more to do with his thoughts being louder than the music around him.

He didn’t see Kenma again until he was walking out with a drunken Yamaguchi. He caught wind of his obnoxious hair, standing against a wall sipping water with a shaking hand. Kenma glanced over at him, watching him help Yamaguchi walk straight. He offered him an awkward smile as he walked out the door, Tsukishima pretending he didn’t even notice him.


	2. chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, bare with me, it gets good soon i promise

The train ride from Tokyo to Miyagi was miserable, to say the least. It was a few hour ride and Yamaguchi was sure he’d puke any minute.

Not that Tsukishima was really sensitive to puke anymore.

The green haired boy managed to keep it all down until they got off the train. He rushed off the platform to a public restroom to relieve himself. Tsuksihima waited outside for him, starting to regret the choice to take Yamaguchi with him. When Yamaguchi was finished, he stumbled back into Tsukishima’s arms, giggling like a fool. Tsukishima sighed, not sure if he’d be able to keep him upright the whole walk home. 

But once again, Yamaguchi powered through. They managed to walk to Tsukishima’s house and snuck in through the back door without disturbing anyones sleep. Yamaguchi immediately crawled into Tsukishima’s familiar bed, curling up on the stack of pillows with red cheeks and drooping eyes. Tsukishima smiled a bit at the sight.

“Tsukiiii…” Yamaguchi mumbled, eyes already closed.  
“Yes?” Tsukishima answered, covering him with a purple crushed velvet blanket that he pulled from the closet. He’s had it since he was a kid, and it was always Yamaguchi’s favorite to borrow. 

“I had s’much fun tonight, thank you for takin’ me out.” His words slurred as he smiled, peaking his eyes open to see Tsukishima standing over him.

“Of course.”

“Goodnighttt.” Yamaguchi closed his eyes again, dragging out his words.

“Goodnight, Tadashi.” Tsukishima said, turning off the bedroom light, leaving only a small lamp on. Yamaguchi drifted off pretty fast, Tsukishima sitting in the bed beside him until he was certain he was out. Once he started to hear him snore, Tsukishima quietly got up and wandered to the small bathroom that connected to his bedroom. He sighed, turning on the light and squinting to adjust to the change in brightness. 

He wasn’t even sure why he came to the bathroom. He did this every night. He stared at himself in the mirror until he didn’t even recognize himself anymore. He’d nitpick his appearance until there was no feature left that he liked. Tsukishima doesn’t really think he truly hates himself that much, he more or less felt like he deserved it. He didn’t deserve to feel comfortable with himself.

Tsukishima himself wasn’t even sure when he developed an eating disorder. It just happened. He started throwing up his meals over a month ago to lose some quick weight, in hopes that it’d help him look a little better for his first volleyball season at Karasuno. He didn’t expect it to stick around, but he fell in love with the control, and the empty feeling in his stomach after he’d puke.

It was nasty, he knew it was. It was some horrible habit that took over his life in record timing, and he seemed to be hiding it well. He couldn’t fathom how upset Yamaguchi would be if he found out. Tsukishima had constantly preached self-love to Yamaguchi since middle school. 

Yamaguchi was supposed to be the insecure one, Tsukishima thought to himself, he’s the one that got picked on when we were kids. He was the one that cried everynight in middle school because he didn’t like how he looked. I was the one who lifted him up, wiped his tears and helped him style his hair, taught him how to accept himself. How did I become the weak one? Tsukishima sighed, setting his glasses on the counter and splashing some cold water on his face. 

He walked back into the bedroom, shutting the bathroom light off and changing into a pair of red pajama pants and a grey crewneck sweatshirt. Yamaguchi was tucked into the bed with the velvet blanket, still wearing ripped black jeans and a green christmas sweater with a penguin embroidered on it. Tsukishima laid down next to him, quiet in an attempt to not wake him up. Yamaguchi stirred slightly, reaching out an arm and draping it across Tsukishima’s chest. Tsukishima chuckled to himself, drifting off to sleep with Yamaguchi by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh this chapter is super short, but it gets good after this !! i've just been using the first few chapters to establish things but yeah. next time theres plot and it'll be up by tomorrow :)


	3. chapter three

Kuroo Tetsuroo’s party was the last significant thing that happened in Tsukishima Kei’s life in the last few weeks. After that night, he continued to struggle through his constant cycle of school work and practice. 

It all felt the same, days blending into weeks. There was nothing exciting anymore. He went to school everyday, hung around Yamaguchi. Distracted himself from eating all afternoon by shoving himself in his school work. Sometimes they had practice, where Tsukishima struggled to keep his energy up. 

He realized he might be spiralling out of his own control when he started feeling lightheaded when he jumped to block. When he purged, he felt a sense of control. It made him feel good, like he did the right thing, and he almost felt stronger afterwards. So naturally, he did it before practice. He’d eat a small lunch with Yamaguchi at school, throw it up before practice, then find any excuse possible to not eat dinner when he got home. This worked, for a while.

It worked until one of the team's last practices before their winter break, when Tsukishima jumped during blocking practice and fell. His teammates assumed he just landed wrong, maybe twisting an ankle and falling, but Tsukishima knew that it was because of how dizzy the sudden movement made him. His ears were ringing, his vision blurred, his face burned red, and he fell to the floor in a momentary blackout. He was quick to come back though, a few concerned faces looking over him.

“Tsukishima! Did you get hurt?” Hinata’s head loomed over Tsukishima’s. He squinted and slowly sat up, the room still spinning around him.

“No, I just landed wrong.” Tsukishima brushed the concerned boy off, who frowned slightly.

“You didn’t even land, you just fell.” Kageyama commented dryly. Hinata nodded in agreement, recalling the odd way Tsukishima fell. To anyone else, it looked like he just gave up, letting himself fall out of the air without care.

“I have a migraine. I got dizzy, I guess.” Tsukishima’s tone made it clear that he didn’t have time for his fellow first year’s concern. He stood up, taking a deep breath as the world's spinning slowed to a stop. Hinata’s brows furrowed, his face mimicking a toddler who was told no. Luckily, he didn’t get the chance to push a better answer out of Tsukishima before they were interrupted by Daichi.

“Everything alright over here?” He asked. Tsukishima rolled his eyes.

“Yes. Let’s get on with practice, please.” He grumbled angrily, Daichi slowly nodded, budding out of the situation. They went back to practice, and everything was relatively normal. Tsukishima remained a bit low energy after his fall, but placing the blame on a migraine really covered his ass. Yamaguchi was attached at his hip the second practice let out, walking out of the gym with him a fair distance away from the rest of the team.

“Are you okay, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked sweetly, looking up at him with concerned eyes.

“I’m fine, Tadashi.” Tsukishima’s reply was bitter and cold, quieting Yamaguchi immediately. Usually Yamaguchi didn’t let Tsukishima’s often rude demeanor get to him, but he’d be pushing him away for the past two weeks. He’d been distant, would ignore his texts, and always told him he wasn’t feeling well when he invited him on their typical coffee dates. Yamaguchi couldn’t help but feel like he was doing something wrong.

But, he wasn’t. It was all on Tsukishima and his boiling self hatred and obsession with never keeping a meal down. 

The rest of their walk was silent, beside a mumbled goodbye from Tsukishima when they had to split ways. 

And before they knew it, it was winter break.

Yamaguchi was excited for this year's winter break, he’d spent his last week in school daydreaming through his classes about all the fun things he’d wanted to do with Tsukishima in their new found freetime. Maybe they could get hot chocolate and go on a walk to see the lights as they sparked the city sky, or they could ice skating and get lunch afterwards. Maybe they’d even hold hands while they skated. If he got really lucky, they could make snow angels together, just like they did when they were kids. 

And if the stars aligned just right, Yamaguchi would tell him. Tell him how he’s loved him since middle school, preferably under the night sky with rosy cheeks that highlighted the freckles that Tsukishima used to always compliment, as snow fell around them. That was his favorite scenario to daydream about. He knew it was childish, but he hoped if he dreamed it enough, it’d come true.

But instead, he was spending his break staring at his phone screen. Waiting, waiting and waiting for something as simple as a text back from Tsukishima. By day two of getting blown off when he tried reaching out, Yamaguchi was a little more than just hurt. He was fed up. He decided that living like this was going to destroy him, so he took the initiative to confront Tsukishima. 

It was past eleven pm already, Yamaguchi sneaking out the back door of his house with his winter boots and scarf on. He trekked through the piles of snow on the streets, following the familiar rural roads to Tsukishima’s house. The snow dwindled down onto Yamaguchi’s hair with a magical sense to it, but Yamaguchi felt more bothered by the flakes than fascinated, as he typically was. He was upset, cold, and wet from the snow by the time he reached his best friends house. He let himself in the front door. 

The house was quiet, only a few lights remained on by this time of night. There was left over food on the kitchen counter, and the distant chatter of a television left on in the living room could be heard. Yamaguchi slid off his boots, walking past all that, and straight back to Tsukishima’s room. He twisted the door knob, letting himself in. 

Tsukishima’s room was a bit more deshelved than Yamaguchi was used to seeing it. Tsukishima was an organized clean freak, yet there were clothes thrown across the floor and old food sitting on his dresser. His bed wasn’t made, the sheets half off the bed and the pillows scattered around. Yamaguchi didn’t see Tsukishima anywhere, turning his head around to the door that separated his bedroom and the connected bathroom. Yamaguchi quietly shuffled in the room, stopping dead in his tracks at the sound of a sudden gagging from the bathroom. 

A gagging sound, followed by the obvious sounds of someone vomiting, finished off with a few choked coughs and a sigh. Yamaguchi stood completely still in the middle of the room. Meanwhile, on the other side of the bathroom door, Tsukishima flushed the toilet and turned on the sink water. He grabbed a cup from the sink counter, filling it with lukewarm water and swishing it around in his mouth before spitting it out into the sink. He repeated the process a few times before finally setting his cup back. 

A few moments later, Tsukishima swung the door open, suddenly locking eyes with Yamaguchi.

“Tsukishima?” He asked, voice wobbling a bit as his eyes welled with tears.

“It’s not-”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! merry christmas (eve) to those who celebrate it! hope you enjoyed a longer chapter, i promise i won't leave you on this cliffhanger for too long.


End file.
